How to serve your spouse with legal notice of divorce
when you cannot locate him/her and have no children
together.
How
To Counsel Someone About
Divorce After Years Of Marriage
It is
difficult to describe the sense of shock, hurt,
bewilderment, emptiness, anger, rejection, isolation and
loss of self-worth felt when someone has been deserted
or divorced after many years of marriage. The person
wonders:
Can this really be happening to me?
How could
this person whom I loved do this to me?
Where did I
fail?
What could I have done differently?
The most
important question is what do I do now?
In spite of
the trauma, the person must be helped to realize that
life goes on. The fact of the divorce must be accepted;
and they are now single. They must face the future as
such.
It is futile to continually dredge up the past,
reliving it. The fact of the divorce being real will not change by self-torturing
questions. It is entirely possible that they could not
have done anything differently to save the marriage.
Since they
can not change the past help them to understand that
they are not to try to live in that which they can not
change. Accept that fact that they have a right to be
happy. They must go on now with the life they now have.
God is in the life re-building business.
Good
instructions:
What it was, is what it was
What it is, is what it is
What it is going to be, is what it is going to be
All that I can do is to have the right attitude and that
is up to me!
An
emotionally healthy person will realize that they must
go on and grow with the present.
The Apostle Paul gave this example:
"... this one
thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
and reaching forth unto (toward) those things which are
before ..." (Philippians 3:13 KJV).
One must
learn to look at the experience as transitional, as a
time to make adjustments, of expanding personally as an
individual, learning to expand ones personality through
reading, reflection and building or re-building
friendships which will help you to grow and expand. A
time to heal from all the emotions one experiences in a
divorce is in order.
If you feel
that you need personal counseling during the transition
you should look for a qualified pastor or Christian
psychologist who can deal with the problems in the light
of the "Scriptures".
COUNSELING
STRATEGY:
1.
Encourage the inquirer by
projecting love an understanding. The hurts, emptiness,
anger, guilt and sense of rejection may be very deep.
2.
Be a good listener,
attempting to get the whole picture before offering any
comment. Sometimes we respond too quickly with advice,
when a question to stimulate conversation would be more
in order.
3.
When you feel you have a proper understanding, reassure
them with verses from Scripture at the end of the
session. Emphasize that God still loves them and wants
to help them. God cares about what is happening.
Jesus knows what grief and sorrow is,
(Isaiah 53:3, KJV) "He (was) despised and rejected
of men"
Ask the person if they have ever received Jesus Christ
as personal Lord and Savior. If they have not explain to
them how they can have a relationship with Christ
through salvation.
4. Urge
them to read and study the Bible. This will give them
perspective and insight as they attempt to adjust to a
new life style and grow in the Lord.
5.
Counsel the person to pray every day.
(Phil 4:6 KJV) Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
(Phil 4:7 KJV) And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
6. Counsel them to become involved in
a Bible teaching church. Often a Christian singles group
can be found which will provide opportunities to
share experiences, to grow and to serve the Lord.
7. Pray
with them for the Lord's help in this difficult time of
transition as they seek to build a new life.
SCRIPTURE:
(Jer 29:11 KJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
(Psa 139:17 KJV) How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
(Psa 139:18 KJV) If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
(Psa 16:11 KJV) Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
(Isa 50:7 KJV) For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.
(Psa 16:8 KJV) I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
(Psa 18:2 KJV) The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
Some
thoughts for the partner who is in a relationship whose
mate has been unfaithful:
God's
Word makes it clear that marriage is a covenant - between
God and man kind and that marriage is a commitment for
life to the one individual chosen to be one's
mate.
This commitment means that "we forsake all
others" (Mat 19:5 KJV) And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
OK,
but what if this beautiful plan of God has been
shattered by unfaithfulness ?
Sexual
unfaithfulness, however, on the part of both
husbands and wives, has become epidemic, according to
polls and reports on sexual practices.
Hebrew 13:4 , 1 Corinthians
6:9-10 and 1 Corinthians 6:18
are some of the scriptures that deal with the marriage
issue and immorality.
Let
me say this, ADULTERY is not a command that you have to
get a divorce. If it be at all possible to work out the
marriage then by all means at least try. With God's help
and the man and woman cooperating with God's Word and
the Holy Spirit the marriage can be salvaged.
Here
are some of the consequences:
Emotional
guilt, fear, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, shattered
personalities, depressions, feelings of being in
competition, anger, frustration, desire to hurt back or
get even, AIDS and other sexual venereal diseases that
can be life threatening ......
Physical
illegitimate pregnancies and births, and
abortions, loss of mate and family
Spiritual
loss in this life and in that which is to come. Feelings
of rejections, unclean, lowest of low.
Is
there HOPE ? YES !
Let's
get started
We
know that adultery is a sin.
There are many reasons for adultery:
1.
Our own sinful, selfish desires. James
1:14
2. Lack of maturity.
50% of teen-age marriages come apart in the first five
years, however age is not the only criterion. Immature
selfishness at any age can lead to unfaithfulness.
Another sign of immaturity is a lack of willingness to
accept the responsibility of a family.
3. Demanding, critical, scolding, nagging husbands and
wives
4. Lack of sexual satisfaction on the part of either
mate.
5. Transferring to one's mate hostility felt towards a
mother or father.
6. Meddlesome in-laws who smother a husband or wife with
criticism or well-intentioned advice.
7. Lack of adequate sex education
8. Drugs and alcohol many times place an important part
9. Pornography can also lead to unfaithfulness
10. Internet chat rooms, and web sites that
promote like actions,
11. Abuse,
12. Constant comparing of the mate to someone
else making them feel inadequate,
And the
lists go on and on, Etc......
You
should expect no easy solutions in dealing with
the problem of adultery. It will take a lot of hard work
on you and your unfaithful mate.
The first this is to see your unfaithful mate as your
mate and not as the unfaithful mate. Many couples make a
lot of mistakes in their marriage and adultery is at the
top of the list. Even the act of adultery can be
forgiven.
Jesus
Christ showed us that
with the story of the woman caught in adultery, who was
cast down at his feet ( even thought both man and woman
should have been - not just the woman- it takes two to
tango they say )
But Christ forgave her and said, "Sin no
more". He literally gave her life back to her but
this time with the option of living it in the view of
God's divine will for man kind.
However,
God can work a miracle of the new birth for the
non-Christian and the spiritual renewal for His own who
have fallen away.
If you and or your mate are successful in securing a
commitment to Christ, you can be confident that this
will bring a new perspective making it easier to mend
lives and to reach permanent solutions.
Here
is some help for you
When
you are the partner of the adulterer, or your partner
has deserted you, you often feel
betrayed, rejected and hurt. Although only one person
may be guilty of unfaithfulness, (if that be the case) often both partners in
a marriage CONTRIBUTE to it. The key is: You
must be on the healing side of this, not the attacking
side.
1.
Encourage the person involved in the adultery to answer
just a few questions:
A.
How may I have contributed to my mate's infidelity?
Am
I Critical?
Supportive?
Have I been a work-a-holic?
Have
I neglected your cries of loneliness?
Have
I been more of a parent figure than a mate? Have I
failed to show them the romance they were needing?
B.
What circumstances have been present in our marriage
which might have contributed to the problem?
Parents?
Ignorance?
Drugs
Work schedules
Absences from home?
C.
How may I help to provide a solution to save our
relationship?
(
Never ask - Tell me everything you two did
together - this will only eat at your mind and will
drive a barrier between you and your mate that will be
even deeper because you will not only feel more hurt,
but you will feel that you are always competing to be
better. This knowledge will be like a CANCER that
spreads very quickly. Every time you two have sexual
experiences it will eat at your mind whether your
partner is remembering or reliving that same sexual
experiences in their minds with some one else. It only
weakens the relationship when you do this even more.)
2.
Help the inquirer to determine the best course of action
A.
Forgiveness. Things
can never be worked out unless there is forgiveness.
This may be very difficult, but a way can be found if
you truly love your mate and want to spend the rest of
your lives together.
You
can not heal the marriage if you always look at your
mate as the adulterer. You have to change
the way you see that person. To forgive is to see that
person as your mate, not as a mate who broke your heart.
This takes a lot of work on your part and your mates
part. With the power of the Holy Spirit, your renewed
commitment to each other and to Christ you can do this.
Those
involved must ask for God's grace and wisdom to face it.
Your love and concern will be most evident at this
point. The guilty spouse must also seek God's
forgiveness and the spouse's forgives.
B.
Communication The
couple must make a determined effort to communicate with
each other in order to discuss freely all facets of the
issue. Lack of communication may have been a
contributing factor to the problem. Now is the time to
correct this.
C.
Prayer The
couple should pray together and trust God to work things
out so that the marriage may be saved and grow stronger.
D.
Counseling They
should be willing to consider serious professional
counseling with a qualified pastor or a Christian
psychologist or psychiatrist. It may take time to work
things out.
SCRIPTURE:
1
John 1:9 KJV " If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness."
St.
John 8:11(KJV) "She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus
said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no
more."
Hebrews
13:4(KJV) Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed
undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will
judge.
1
Corinthians 7:3-4(KJV) Let the husband render unto the
wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto
the husband.(4) The wife hath not power of her own body,
but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not
power of his own body, but the wife.
Isaiah
1:16-18(16) Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil
of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;(17) Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the
oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.(18) Come now, and let us reason together, saith
the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be
as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they
shall be as wool.
1
Corinthians 6:15-20(15 KJV)
Know ye not that your bodies
are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members
of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God
forbid.(16)
What? know ye not that he which is joined to
an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one
flesh.(17)
But he that is joined unto the Lord is one
spirit.(18)
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth
is without the body; but he that committeth fornication
sinneth against his own body.(19)
What? know ye not that
your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in
you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?(20)
For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in
your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.
At
least this is a starting place.
You can not heal your marriage until you at least
start
the healing process.
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